Once upon a regulatory filing, a billion-dollar telecom decided the best way to win the Federal Communications Commission‘s favor was with fear, flag-waving, and an unfortunate typo.

EchoStar Corporation, valiant protector of 5G freedom and Open RAN righteousness, just can’t catch a break. In their 65-page epic to the FCC, they heroically battle an invisible enemy: oversight. How dare regulators ask if they’re actually using all that juicy 2 GHz spectrum they bought with taxpayer-juiced billions? The audacity!

They’ve built 24,000 towers (or maybe just Hanoi Towers, who knows, it’s all confidential), signed up a whopping 1.3 million users, and rolled out the world’s most patriotic Open RAN network. But now the FCC is asking questions. Questions that threaten EchoStar’s right to sit on that sweet, sweet spectrum like Smaug on gold.

Enter SpaceX, the real villain, clearly. SpaceX had the gall to suggest, brace yourself, that spectrum should be used. SpaceX even said EchoStar’s signals are faint. EchoStar’s reply? “That’s just because people aren’t calling much.” Stellar defense.

And just when you thought this filing couldn’t be more dignified, page one hits with a Freudian haymaker: Let’s start with “Pubic Notices.” Yep. That typo snuck in like a rogue cell signal. Proofreading is apparently a lost art.

So let’s recap. EchoStar wants you to believe that if their license extensions are reconsidered, the U.S. will fall to Chinese hackers, telecom innovation will vanish, and somehow even SpaceX will be to blame. Oh, and don’t forget: they’re the only company who really gets 5G. Everyone else? Impostors.

At least we know they’re committed to transparency. Except for all the site locations. And performance metrics. And subscriber data. But don’t worry, they filed a thumb drive labeled “CONFIDENTIAL – NOT FOR PUBLIC INSPECTION,” which definitely screams “trust us.”

Let’s all pray the FCC doesn’t let facts or performance get in the way of national security, wireless competition, and most importantly… protecting the sanctity of our “Pubic Notices.”

Pubic Notices
(noun, satirical)
Official announcements intended strictly for personal grooming updates, community wax schedules, or public service messages related to the care, maintenance, or celebration of body hair in socially shared spaces. Commonly found misfiled in boardrooms, gym locker rooms, or spas that believe transparency extends to every follicle.