Finally, the desert’s most committed drifter has a data plan, because if a tumbleweed rolls and no one gets a push notification, did it even move?

Apparently, everyone who’s ever looked at a cow in a remote pasture or a container on a barge has decided they need a constellation of satellites to keep tabs on it. That’s just a glimpse into the rapidly inflating bubble called satellite IoT.

In the red corner, the legacy gladiators: Iridium, ORBCOMM, Viasat (with its Inmarsat badge), and Globalstar.

Iridium, proving once again that surviving a failed 90s business model has perks, now sits at the top with 1.8 million subscribers. Orbcomm, having decided that just operating satellites was too straightforward, now sells full solutions and resells capacity like it’s a startup with bills to pay. Viasat’s numbers are roped in through Orbcomm’s efforts. Globalstar is humming along with 480,000 subscribers and seemingly no desire to be dramatic.

On the undercard are Myriota, Kinéis, and Thuraya Telecom. Their subscriber counts hang in the five-digit range, which sounds quaint until you realize they’re aiming for niche dominance, not total world control.

Meanwhile, new entrants with logos fresher than their technology are throwing hardware into space like it’s trendy. Astrocast, AST SpaceMobile, Skylo, Sateliot each peddling its vision of global domination via mini satellites and optimistic press releases. Somewhere in this group, quietly but not modestly, lurks OQ Technology. They’re busy launching satellites called TIGER and insisting their NB-IoT 5G solution will outshine anything terrestrial without making your phone look any different.

The latest strategy twist involves mixing terrestrial and non-terrestrial tech into “hybrid solutions.” A fancy way to say “we’re not giving up on cell towers yet.” Skylo is taking this to heart, cosying up to telecoms like Deutsche Telekom and Telefónica, and acting like the glue between your SIM card and a shoebox orbiting at 500 kilometers altitude. Not to be left behind, OQ Technology is also in on these hybrid plays, lining up telecom partners and saying “me too” with all the enthusiasm of a kid finally picked for dodgeball.

Some of these startups push nano satellites like they’re vending machine snacks. Others like Hubble Network, have managed a Bluetooth satellite link. Which, in plain terms, means your cheap speaker now has more sophisticated connectivity than half the developing world.

The elephant floating silently above us is SpaceX’s Starlink. It’s here, it’s doing satellite 5G (because why not), and it’s being included in every “hybrid” mention like the final boss of IoT.

So here we are. A satellite renaissance driven by cows, oil rigs, and package trackers. Old companies are pretending to be new, new companies are pretending they’ll survive long enough to matter, and everyone’s pretending they’ll make a profit.