SES Satellites had a “solid start” to the year. That’s the phrase they lead with, “solid.” In the world of corporate euphemisms, “solid” usually means “we didn’t die, and we’d appreciate a round of applause for that.”

Their revenue dipped ever so slightly by 0.5%, and Adjusted EBITDA trailed behind with a similar 0.9% drop. But don’t worry, they assure us that if we just ignore a few “periodic impacts,” they actually grew. “Apart from the fire, the house looks great.”

In what can only be described as an act of accounting optimism, SES leans hard on the Networks division’s rise, now contributing 60% of their revenue, fueled by a 13.1% increase from government contracts and 8.5% from mobility services.

Media revenue is quietly hemorrhaging, down over 10%. They explain it away with channel shutdowns and some unfortunate brazilian bankruptcy, which is a polite way of saying: “Our traditional breadwinner is slipping into a coma.”

Amid all this, SES touts a cool €360 million in new business and contract renewals. Glorious wins include deals with Uzbekistan Airways and Thai Airways International. And don’t forget Mileto Tecnologia S/A in Brazil and a global ATP Tour deal in Media.

The financial gymnastics continue as they flaunt a net leverage ratio of 1.2x, thanks to an impressive €3.1 billion in cash. This war chest, largely built through a €1 billion hybrid bond from last September, is ready to bankroll their grand ambition: acquiring Intelsat.

If you’re wondering why they’re sitting on this pile of cash like a dragon in a satellite lair, it’s probably because they need it to survive merging two debt-heavy giants into one orbital superclusterfun.

But there’s the shining beacon of hope: mPOWER satellites 7 and 8. They’ve finally reached their orbital positions and are expected to boost capacity and resilience. Hurrah!

The real headline here is the SES-Intelsat mega-merger. It’s the kind of move you make when you want to look big enough to fight off Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos without ever saying their names out loud.

SES hopes to generate a combined €3.8 billion in revenue and €1.8 billion in EBITDA. A strategic Hail Mary, banking on economies of scale to mask the painful truths of stagnation and legacy drag. Don’t worry, they’ve secured the funding. Through some financial hocus pocus involving bond redemptions and market purchases, they’re carefully rearranging debt chairs on this orbital cruise ship.

One can’t help but notice how much of this depends on everything going precisely ‘as planned’, no launch delays, no regulatory hiccups, no exploding satellites, no more bankrupt media clients.

SES is betting the farm on reinvention by acquisition and hoping that the billions invested in becoming a multi-orbit juggernaut will make people forget that media, a once-proud pillar, is disintegrating like space debris.

So yes, it’s a solid start to the year.
As long as you squint.