OW20: When the satellites align, the egos collide

Right, imagine two billionaires arguing over who owns the air. Not land. Not buildings. Just air. That’s basically what’s going on with EchoStar and SpaceX. The FCC, basically the adult supervision, has stepped in to ask EchoStar why they’re squatting on spectrum like a dragon with commitment issues. EchoStar goes, “We totally cover 268 million people.” Sure you do, mate. Probably with a damp towel and a vague promise.

Meanwhile, Elon’s throwing a tantrum because he wants the 2 GHz band. Think of it like trying to steal your neighbour’s Wi-Fi, but you’ve already got ten routers and a laser uplink. EchoStar claps back saying SpaceX is pulling a “regulatory land grab.” Translation: billionaires arguing about who gets to control invisible real estate. Monopoly for sociopaths.

Over in Europe,

where everything takes three times as long and requires a committee, SES wants to merge with Intelsat. Because if there’s one thing two outdated satellite companies need, it’s each other. The European Commission is investigating whether this merger would reduce competition. Spoiler alert: it would.

They’re polling the industry like it’s Eurovision: “Would you say this merger a) crushes innovation, b) is a crime against bandwidth, or c) you don’t care because Starlink already won?” Decision’s due June 10. Until then, we wait, like a Coldplay reunion that never needed to happen.

India’s cooking up some new spectrum rules, and the menu is chaos. They’re leaning toward “first come, first served.” Because obviously the best way to handle national infrastructure is a Black Friday stampede. Why bother with strategy when you can just let people elbow their way to the front and call it policy? Expect lawsuits, drama, and some poor sod in Delhi trying to explain why all the spectrum’s been claimed by a coconut seller with fast Wi-Fi.

Elon’s back at it, this time planting routers in tractors. SpaceX has teamed up with CNH (they make big noisy farm things) to bring Starlink to agriculture. So now your combine harvester can have better internet than your nan. We’re talking autonomous tractors, AI telling weeds to sod off, and precision spraying, all so your lettuce can be 0.03% cheaper. Brilliant. Soon cows will have their own data plans. Can’t wait.

Saudi Arabia has now approved Starlink for aviation and maritime use. Because if you’re flying a gold-plated jet across the desert or cruising your superyacht past Yemen, you definitely need TikTok in 4K. Elon announced it at the Saudi-US Investment Forum, which sounds like a Bond villain recruitment drive, and the room clapped like someone had just invented bread. Starlink’s now in 125+ countries and traffic’s tripled. Lovely. Still no broadband in Cornwall though.

The Final Frontier

So where are we headed? More satellites, more noise, and probably a few more lawsuits. The antennas are getting smaller, the ambitions bigger, and the patience of regulators? Paper-thin.

Tune in next week for more rich blokes shouting at clouds and pretending it’s innovation. Until then, keep your dish pointed at the sky, and if it’s not working, just blame the weather. Or Elon. That usually works.