The Operator Formerly Known as Group

Act I
The Funeral of ‘Group’

[Stage: A darkened theater. A coffin labeled “Group” is wheeled in by four interns in ill-fitting suits. A single clarinet plays “Space Oddity” off-key. The audience is entirely shareholders with monocles, polishing them nervously.]

Narrator (whispering like a BBC nature doc):
Observe, the shedding of skin. Once “Eutelsat Group,” now reduced to a single word: Eutelsat. A butterfly reborn, or simply a moth with better PR.

CEO Fallacher (in a sequined cape, holding a laser pointer like a holy scepter):
“The Group is dead! Long live the brand! We are now sleeker, like an app icon! Customers shall rejoice, shareholders shall exhale, and I shall look excellent on LinkedIn.”

OneWeb (rolling onstage in a shopping cart covered in tin foil, shouting through a megaphone):
“Excuse me, I’m still here. You promised me unity, but you left me as a side hustle. Without me, you’re just GEO geriatrics with better lighting!”

[The satellites in the rafters boo. One faints and crashes through the stage like a diva demanding hazard pay.]

Act II
The Holy Matrimony of URLs

[Scene: A tacky drive-thru chapel shaped like a modem. A neon sign flashes “Now Consolidating.” A priest made entirely of fiber optic cables presides.]

Priest:
“Do you, Eutelsat.com, take OneWeb.net, for richer, for poorer, in 4K and in buffering?”

Eutelsat.com (voice shaking):
“I do, but I demand admin privileges.”

OneWeb.net (spitting cookies):
“I guess.”

[The audience gasps as the domains fuse into a single monstrous portal. A three-headed digital hydra emerges, screaming: ‘404! ERROR! LOGIN REQUIRED!’ The priest explodes into Wi-Fi dust.]

Narrator:
Thus the unified platform is born: sleek in brochure, unusable in practice, destined to be bookmarked only once and then forgotten.

Act III
The Pageant of Connectivity

[Stage: A giant roulette wheel spins. On it ride the four verticals: Video, Mobile Connectivity, Fixed Connectivity, Government Services. Each holds props.]

Video is a desperate game show host juggling VHS tapes labeled “6,400 channels nobody asked for.”

Mobile Connectivity is a drunken sailor bellowing “Wi-Fi on airplanes, buy now!”

Fixed Connectivity is a repairman duct-taping a satellite dish to a donkey.

Government Services is a stern officer demanding everyone’s passwords in triplicate.

Chorus of LEO satellites (dressed as mosquitoes in sequined tutus):
“Bzzzzz! We swarm the skies! We are faster than pigeons, cheaper than undersea cables, shinier than Starlink… oh wait.”

GEO satellites (yawning from their recliners 36,000 km up):
“We’ve been here since the Cold War, darlings. Call us when latency isn’t a lawsuit.”

[The roulette wheel collapses, launching Video into the orchestra pit, where it explodes into reruns of Baywatch.]

Finale
The Bullfight of Branding

[CEO Fallacher now rides a unicycle, juggling stock certificates while dueling Elon Musk, who appears onstage riding a flamethrower-wielding goat. The audience screams. Space Blue and OneWeb Red confetti rains from the ceiling. A satellite dressed as Hamlet asks, “To beam, or not to beam?” before self-destructing.]

CEO Fallacher (shrieking):
“With one name, one future, one destiny, we are unstoppable!”

[The shareholders stand, clap mechanically, and whisper, “Please let the stock go up, please let the stock go up.”]

Narrator:
And so the rebrand is complete: a costume change sold as revolution, a fresh coat of paint over orbital debt, a circus performed in vacuum.

Final Stage Direction

Curtain collapses into a black hole of PowerPoint slides. [Exeunt, pursued by Elon Musk on a goat that now has Wi-Fi.]