Sputnik with WiFi

Because Who Needs Working Infrastructure Anyway

Somewhere between the war effort and the ruble’s slow-motion implosion, Russia has decided it’s time to clutter low Earth orbit with its very own satellite internet constellation. The logic is as elegant as a Cold War rerun: if the Americans have it, and the Chinese are building it, then by all that is bureaucratically sacred, Russia must have one too. Enter the newest cosmic daydream, an “analogue” to Starlink, not to be confused with a competitor, because that would imply parity.

Dmitry Bakanov, who now chairs Roscosmos and seems eager to shake the mothballs off Russia’s space ambitions, has promised a constellation at “rapid pace.” No timeline. No specs. Just vibes and some previously launched “test vehicles” that have been “inspected,” which sounds a lot like “we saw they were still up there.” That’s about as reassuring as inspecting a tank by watching it rust in a field. The chosen vessel for this voyage into spacefaring nostalgia? A company named Bureau 1440, which sounds less like a tech pioneer and more like something you’d find on a Cold War personnel file.