Orbital Landlord Raises Rent on Reality

SpaceX’s Starlink just sent me their annual report. To me. Personally! That is quite an honor, but being the annoying carbon based biped that I am, I read it the way I read a lease agreement that smiles. The pictures are great, the people look grateful, the message is uplifting, and the subtext is doing the heavy lifting.

Reading this via a terrestrial coax cable apparently makes me a vintage enthusiast. Refusing to use a microwave is maybe even another hobby of mine. This glossy propaganda document is titled the Starlink Progress Report 2025. It declares that the rest of the species has decided plugging things into a wall is for suckers.